DirecTV Finally Goes Too Far

We've complained about them in the past, but with this latest commercial featuring Poltergeist, DirecTV has certainly crossed the line.

Didn't anybody -- MGM, Craig T. Nelson, Heather O'Rourke's family -- pause to think that this wouldn't be the best way to honor the memory of a little girl who tragically died at the age of 12?

Why, Chuck, Why?

Anna Friel, a.k.a. Pushing Daisies' lonely tourist Charlotte Charles, a.k.a. Chuck, has willingly signed on to be romanced by Will Ferrell's paleontologist character in the already derided-able big screen version of the cheesy Saturday morning kid classic Land of the Lost.

Thus continues the disturbing practice of pairing former Saturday Night Live comedians with comely lookers who would never otherwise give them the time of day in real life. Some examples:

- Chevy Chase, not only married to Beverly D'Angelo but also seduced by Christie Brinkley, in National Lampoon's Vacation.
- Adam Sandler with Drew Barrymore -- twice! -- in The Wedding Singer and 50 First Dates.
- Mike Myers with every bird in every Austin Powers movie.
- Dan Aykroyd and Kim Basinger in My Stepmother is an Alien (she'd have to be).
- Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally ... (OK, that one worked).

But by far the biggest repeat offender of this forced suspension of belief is Bill Murray. It was bad enough that they asked us to buy him opposite Sigourney Weaver (Ghostbusters), Andie MacDowell (Groundhog Day) and Geena Davis (Quick Change); but when he played a so-called "Don Juan" (named "Don Johnston", for god's sake) who supposedly had romanced Sharon Stone, Jessica Lange, Tilda Swinton and Julie Delpy in Broken Flowers? Now that's even more far-fetched then Will Ferrell as a paleontologist.

Send in the Clones

Wow, imagine George Lucas trying to milk more money out of his fans: his CGI Star Wars: The Clone Wars television series will actually premiere in theaters this August prior to debuting on the Cartoon Network the following month. In other words, Lucas will pass off what appears to be a really badly computer animated pilot episode as a feature film.

Furthermore, the "movie", which will take place between Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith (Episode II.5?), won't even have the major original actors voicing their signature roles, save for the ever loyal Anthony Daniels as C-3P0 (Samuel L. Jackson has expressed interest to return for the series as his bad-ass Jedi, Mace Windu).

If I sound a bit skeptical about this new enterprise, it is because I have been disillusioned by the whole Star Wars universe since about halfway through Return of the Jedi. And apparently, I'm not the only one.

UPDATE: Don't bother, they're here: the trailer.

No One Ever Went Broke ...

... underestimating the taste of the American public. The latest example:

Cause: total box office gross to date of Alvin and the Chipmunks: $199,138,605.

Effect: Alvin and the Chipmunks 2: Rise of the Chipettes.

Memo from Movie Dearest: Resolutions

Well, Movie Dearest is all dolled-up for New Year's Eve (you better back up though, I feel a belch coming on -- this Pepsi has a kick to it, if you know what I mean), so it's time for some New Year's resolutions.

To wit, MD hereby resolves to:
- Not succumb to the recent blogging trend of obsessively recapping reality shows or soap operas. (Hello, we do not need to know all the minute details of the latest bisexual shenanigans on Big Brother or how long down to the second Nuke kissed on As the World Turns, thank you very much.)
- Not ever mention the words "Britney Spears" and "shaved head" in the same sentence. Or even the words "Britney Spears", for that matter. (And don't get me started on her sister.)
- Not declare the latest starlet who has been around for ten minutes a "gay icon" or to say that the current hunk du jour has a "huge gay following", both terms that have been tossed about way too cavalierly of late.
- Not take the Writers Guild name in vain just because their little strike is ruining everything we hold dear, from the current TV season to the awards shows to the delay of the movie version of Nine. (Really, I support the writers, but let's get this mess over with quick, OK guys?)
- Not post anything copied verbatim from Towleroad. com. (Now who does that?)
- Not go anywhere near American Idol if I can help it at all costs so help me god I swear.
- Not carp on and on (and on) about the dearth of gay-themed films in theaters these days like some people do. (Sure, there should be more, but really -- what else is new?)
- Not ever think "How bad could it be?" again before watching an internet video. (Two Girls, One Cup, I'm talking to you.)
- Not post any more pictures of hot, bare-chested men. (Yeah right, like that would happen.)

And finally, to continue to respect my MD readers by giving them well-written, informative and entertaining articles about the past, present and future of film, television and the theater. (Come on, I had to throw in one serious one.)

In a World ...

... where moviegoers just want to see the movie they paid for, there is one thing that stands in their way -- movie trailer clichés:

"In a land gone mad, one man stands alone against the vast darkness. There was only one problem: everything he knows is wrong. It was supposed to be routine, but when she entered his life, it all changed. Now, more then ever, he has one last chance to make it right. If they can just see that what they need the most has been right in front of them the whole time, they just might come together to learn the true meaning of family. For anyone who has ever had a dream: a story about the choices we make, a story that captures your heart, a story featuring brand new characters and five new songs. Get ready for the feel good movie of the summer, coming soon to a theater near you."

Now, just imagine one of these guys saying all that and you'll see what I mean.

Link via YouTube.com.

Texas Tee-Vee

Thanks to Big Edie, I have been a longtime fan of the penultimate primetime soap opera Dallas ever since it first aired. I am pretty sure I have seen every single episode of its record 14 (!) seasons (yes, even the "dream season"). Thanks to its signature theme song, nerve-racking cliffhangers (like who shot J.R. and Bobby in the shower) and the always welcome sight of a frequently shirtless Patrick Duffy, I was addicted to the trials and tribulations of the Ewings of Southfork. Heck, I even would have bought all the action figures (even Lucy), if they had ever been made available.

So I have always been leery about the news of an impending Dallas movie. How exactly would they be able to recreate the soapy shenanigans of my favorite Texas oil family on the big screen in a mere two-hour running time? Would J.R. be shot yet again? Would the whole middle of the movie be another one of Pam's elaborately plotted dreams? Would Miss Ellie change actresses half way through and then change back again? Would Bobby take his shirt off lots of times?

My resistance to the whole idea doubled when I heard that it would not be a drama, but an outright comedy, yet another instance when the memory of a beloved television series is tarnished by a big screen misstep (Starsky & Hutch, Bewitched, Land of the Lost, the list goes on). Granted, that might have worked if they employed some of my ideas I mentioned in the last paragraph, but I don't think Hollywood scriptwriters are all that clever. No matter, because it seems that they have gone back to doing a straight-up drama, even though Betty Thomas is assigned to direct. You may recall that she was at the helm for one of the few times that a TV-to-movie transfer actually worked, The Brady Bunch Movie.

Drama or comedy, casting rumors are floating about, with John Travolta likely to slip into Larry Hagman's Stetsons as good ol' J.R. He was attached to an earlier version of the project, along with (shiver) Luke Wilson and Jennifer Lopez as Bobby and Pam. Thankfully, those two are out, and Lost boy Matthew Fox and Friday Night Lights' Minka Kelly are in as the couple. Julie Benz (Darla in Buffy/Angel) would booze it up as Sue Ellen, while Katie Cassidy will tart it up as Lucy. Heading the clan will be none other then James Brolin and Diane Ladd as Jock and Miss Ellie, both of whom seem way too young. And finally, J.R.'s ever-present nemesis, Cliff Barnes, will by played by Rob Lowe. I can see him in that role, and some of the others are promising (if these rumors do turn out to be true), but I'm still not sold on this return trip to the Lone Star State.

Click here to buy Dallason DVD from Amazon.com.
Links via UltimateDallas.com, Imdb.com, YouTube.com, MegoMuseum.com and CinemaBlend.com.

Golden Scandal

The latest in a long line of rabble-rousing maneuvers by religious muckrakers against the so-called "evils of Hollywood", The Golden Compass (the other fantasy film this holiday season) is drawing fire (from such organizations as the Catholic League) for "bash(ing) Christianity and promoting atheism". True, they may have initially had some concern; the new movie is based on the first volume of author/ avowed atheist Phillip Pullman's best-selling His Dark Materials trilogy, known for its anti-organized religion bent. However, the filmmakers (including director Chris Weitz) have gone on record to state that all of the book's controversial themes were excised in adapting it to the screen.

Of course, they're not listening, insisting that if Little Johnny sees the movie, he'll make mommy buy the book for him and *poof!* instant atheist. In other words, it is another "but what about the children?" rant that is beyond tiresome at this point. Naturally, their next step is to boycott the movie, the tried and true knee-jerk scenario that has been common practice amongst these "holier then thou" types for centuries.

If this all sounds vaguely familiar, you may recall a similar stance against the film version of another controversial novel, The Da Vinci Code. A call to boycott that movie went largely unheard, as its $217 million box office proves. Furthermore, it was a bad movie, whereas Golden Compass looks like has a lot more going for it then Tom Hanks in a mullet; with Nicole Kidman in glam bitch mode, a scruffy Daniel Craig and some armored-up polar bears, it promises to at least look interesting. In the end, with or without the Christian moviegoers (who turned another fantasy epic -- The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe -- into a blockbuster), how well The Golden Compass is received will be known when it opens December 7 in theaters nationwide.

Links via Imdb.com, MTV.com and Hollywood.com.

Lost in Translation

There is nothing worse then having a cherished childhood memory trampled upon by Hollywood. Such is the case with the upcoming feature film adaptation of Land of the Lost, the cheesy Saturday morning sci fi show from the cheese-meisters extraordinaire Sid and Marty Croft.

The live action series, which ran on NBC from 1974 to 1977, followed the adventures of a park ranger and his two children who have been transported to a prehistoric land via a subterranean waterfall. Befriended by a primitive ape boy named Cha-Ka, they must fight to survive hungry rubber dinosaurs and a lizard-like tribe of creatures called "Sleestaks" (by the looks of them, maybe a better descriptive term would be "phallic"). The show also had a bizarrely bluegrass, plot exposition-heavy theme song which instantly burns its way into your brain, never to escape.

As I said, pure cheese, but it was our cheese. Everyone I know who watched this when they were kids recall it fondly. Thus, imagine my dismay upon hearing that they are not only turning it into a movie, but into a comedy (an intentional one this time) starring ... Will Ferrell.

Why-oh-why is this one-note comedian so popular, and why does he continue to ruin beloved TV shows by turning them into crappy movies? You would think he would have learned with that bomb known as Bewitched. There is one bright spot though in this impending desecration: considering that the movie will likely be aimed at the younger set, at least we won't be subjected to Ferrell gettin' naked yet again. Or, at least I hope so.

Click here to purchase the original Land of the Loston DVD from Amazon.com.
Links via HollywoodReporter.com, Imdb.com, Albany.net, YouTube.com and Cinematical.com.

Klaatu Barada ... Woah!

We all have what I call our own "cinematic nemesis". They are the actor or actress who, single-handedly, can ruin a whole for us.

Mine is Keanu Reeves. Seriously, why does this guy have a career? I know he's very popular for the most part, but, put simply, he doesn't do much for me. Sure, there have been movies that he has been in that I have enjoyed despite his presence (River's Edge, Speed, Something's Gotta Give). Heck, I even liked Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (mostly because it was filmed at my high school though).

However, to me, Reeves is alarmingly inept for such a big, A-list star. His performances range from the misguided (Dangerous Liaisons) to the miscast (The Matrix) to the outright mistaken (Bram Stoker's Dracula). So how does he keep getting cast in high profile movies, I wonder. The answer is as elusive as a comprehension of the Matrix sequels.

And if the idea of a remake of the classic science fiction parable The Day the Earth Stood Still isn't bad enough for you, to add insult to injury, Keanu (or, as I like to call him, "Ka-nu-nu") will play Klaatu, portrayed in the original by Michael Rennie. Do they honestly expect us to believe him as the savior of our planet? God help us all.

In other remake news, Naomi Watts in The Birds or Denzel Washington in The Taking of Pelham One Two Three don't sound too bad, but who could they get to top Roddy McDowall in another Fright Night? And don't you dare say Ka-nu-nu.

Click here to purchase the original The Day the Earth Stood Stillon DVD from Amazon.com.
Links via Imdb.com, Coronadodons.org, Variety.com, ShockTillYouDrop.com, EW.com and Cinematical.com.

I Don't Get It: The Princess Bride

Yes, I know, it is "inconceivable" of me to not be as enamored of The Princess Bride as, oh, apparently everyone else in the world who has ever seen it.

It certainly has all the elements that usually draw me into such a fanciful lark: magic, mayhem, "mawage" ...

Perhaps it is the tone of the piece. True, author-turned-screenwriter William Goldman fractured this fairy tale long before Shrek and its multitude of imitators beat that horse of a sub-genre to death, but even twenty years ago these deconstructed "storybook loves" seemed to want to make fun of their cake and eat it too.

Or maybe I just grew weary of director Rob Reiner metaphorically elbowing me in the side at how quaintly mirthful the whole thing is.

Nevertheless, whenever a Bride booster starts spouting the litany of quotable phrases spawned by this movie, my eyes invariably roll whilst I nod in recognition, knowing in my heart of hearts that whatever threadbare appreciation I did have for the film sinks ever deeper into my own personal Pit of Despair.

If, unlike me, you are a Princess Bride fan, head over to Gone Hollywood for some enlightening "then and now" pictures of the cast. And don't say I didn't warn you. Oh Wesley, what the hell happened to you?

Click here to buy The Princess Brideon DVD from Amazon.com.
Links via Imdb.com and HollywoodOutsiderTheBeltway.com.